How Teenagers Cry for Help

A child may wonder how their loved one can be in a box. An adult wonders how they can go on without their loved one. But a teenager is in between!

I was seventeen when I joined the US Air Force. I was so proud, but I had no idea what was coming next. The Cuban missile crisis, President Kennedy’s assassination, the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and the war in Vietnam changed everything. Teens have a hard time looking ahead.

Looking back on it all, what have I learned? By the time I was a teenager, I knew that when the game is over, all the pieces go back in the box. However, I neither knew how to deal with the losses in my life nor how to talk about them. It was confusing! But I was lucky to have my friends alongside me to help guide me through.

In the military, I learned what it meant to be part of a team. We were there for one another, having fun, solving problems as a team, and accomplishing our mission. In a nutshell, I think that is how teens deal with the death of a loved one. They turn to peers – not adults – to express their grief.

Teens have the same reactions to loss as adults, but they don’t have the coping skills to deal with it. Unlike children, they have the language skills to express what they are going through. Still, they typically don’t express it to adults, who are always telling them what to do.

I met a beautiful woman in her mid-nineties who told me she was a nurse in WWII. It was a great conversation! At one point, I felt compelled to ask her, “What was the most difficult thing you experienced?” Without hesitation, she said, “My mother was also a nurse. She served with me in the army. My mother constantly told me what to do and I could not stand it!” I think that is a universal cry from teenagers, both boys and girls.

Research tells us about 6% of 16-year-olds will have lost a parent and 5% a sibling. Other losses are higher. 60-70% have lost a grandparent or other relative. The number is much higher among military teens during a war. So, teens do experience loss. As with adults, the more they loved the one who died, the greater the grief. Research informs us that teens tend to suppress or deny their emotions more than children.

When we see teens holding back their grief, we need to get up close and personal to find out what they need. As teenagers, they are going through a time of developmental changes. As adults, we need to look for what changed in their life and how they are coping. The only time I think we need to step in and tell them what to do is when they are coping with drugs or alcohol or are at risk of harming themselves or others.

What we can do is get them together with their peers, siblings, cousins, friends, or classmates. Since they may have trouble thinking about what to say, I usually give them questions to answer. They have no trouble expressing their thoughts and opinions if given a bit of direction. I am using Uncle Robert as an example, but you would use a name you want them to reflect on. First, get the young people together as a group of two or more.

Here are the questions I suggest for teens to answer:

Losing Uncle Robert. Grief is how we respond to loss, especially losing someone we love. You can get to the heart of how you feel about losing a favorite uncle, but it’s just as important to listen to how your family feels. You will get through your grief together. Complete each of the following sentences one at a time, listening to how others answer it. Rotate who goes first with each question. Don’t write, just talk!

1.     The cause of Uncle Robert’s death was …
2.     The moment I found out he died, I was …
3.     After his death, I believe he is …
4.     My first feeling was …  because …
5.     Now I feel …  because …
6.     What upsets me is …
7.     I worry about … because …
8.     My friends are …
9.     The adults in my life tell me …
10.   What helps me to cope best is …
11.   What helps me the least is …
12.   And one more thought/ feeling I want to share is …

 Most teens do not seem to find rituals and counseling as helpful as talking with and listening to family and friends. Music and spirituality seem to be effective as well. The questions above are effective for either a teen support group or a family conference. The idea is to get them to open up and express their feelings freely. The benefit is preparing them to face future bereavement and develop their maturity. The goal is to help them find relief from pain and restore joy in their lives.

Teens do not need to be protected from their feelings, but they might need protection from themselves. If they have pre-existing emotional problems, they may need professional help after the death of a loved one. A good resource to help you decide is: https://www.choosingtherapy.com/grief-counseling/